Just a quick post to let ya'll know I'm doing fine!
I still enjoy being busy again. I hope this feeling will last, but last year I felt shitty again during the winter, which led me to believe that I might have that dreaded winter depression thing. We'll see!
For one of my courses, History of Popmusic I still don't have the book. It's unavailable in shops in NL (figures), so I thought I'd be smart and order it on Amazon.com. I found a second hand copy for four bucks. The shipping costs were 8 bucks so for 12 bucks I'd have the book. New it would cost me 60 euro's! Feeling totally happy and snug I patted myself on the shoulder for saving money.
This morning I looked at my e-mail and Amazon told me that my book would arrive on October 21.....
*blank stare*
My exam on this subject is 27 October.
How the hell am I going to study a 500 page book in one week? I read fast, but to remember all the stuff in one week???
I might have to go out of my way to get my hands on a copy and FAST.
I can always use one of the books to start a bonfire. Or just throw it at someone. Or is anyone interested in "Rockin 'Out, a history of rock music in the USA"???
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Concours
With one of my orchestras we have to enroll in something you call 'concours' in Dutch. According to Wikipedia this translates as 'competitive examination' in English. There are certain levels a amateur orchestra can compete in and ours is on the highest level. You can advertise this to your public, but in order to keep the title you have to participate in the competition every 5 years. If you fail to achieve enough points, you lose your title.
We have to play two works, of which one is compulsory. The director and a music-commission with members from the orchestra pick out the other work. Last night, we got it (although it's not 100% sure we're gonna play that one). It's a famous Overture called Oberon (by Weber).
Cool YouTube vid (symphony version)
It's a cool piece but the clarinet section has to do all the hard work. I reckon it's gonna take me about 2-3 months to study all the difficult parts to perfection!
We have to play two works, of which one is compulsory. The director and a music-commission with members from the orchestra pick out the other work. Last night, we got it (although it's not 100% sure we're gonna play that one). It's a famous Overture called Oberon (by Weber).
Cool YouTube vid (symphony version)
It's a cool piece but the clarinet section has to do all the hard work. I reckon it's gonna take me about 2-3 months to study all the difficult parts to perfection!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
A lot can happen in one week!
Music
My two orchestra's have started again, and it made me so incredibly happy to play again! I've been making music on my own during the summer, but it's much more fun in a big group. I was especially surprised with how well we could still play the difficult stuff (Cappricio Italian by Tchaikovsky and La Boda de Louis Alonso); it gave me a few goosebump-moments. Lovely!
It was very nice to see all my fellow orchestra members back. It's difficult for me to explain, but the orchestra members are like family to me. Music has helped to keep me sane in bad times, and the orchestras play a big part in my music experience.
Next saturday: jazz concert with a jazz band.
3rd of October: big classical gig in Winterswijk (of all places..zzz)
November: exchange concert with IJsselstein Orchestra and a big classical gig in Sluiskilde
December: Silvesterconcert
Job
This monday, I started with a new part-time job at a computer store. I sent an open solicitation, had a chat with the boss and was hired. I had no idea what was expected from me, and I when I arrived last monday they just put me in the store without much explanation or whatever. Turns out I have very cool colleagues (one in particular) so all is well. It appears I like selling things, who would have ever thought that???? (I wouldn't!!)
Yesterday I was helping two guys picking out a laptop, and it took well over an hour. It was fun! The inner nerd in me is just very happy to be around so many computers, and I want to learn more about it all. Working in a computer store will hopefully help me to gather more technical knowledge about computers. As a Apple fangirl I must say it's weird to sell other brands, but I'll probably be buying a new PC soon myself. I want to be able to game more (my three year old MacBook barely runs WoW on low settings), and my best buddy Christiaan found out that I can buy a good gaming PC for about 800 euro. An equivalent Mac gaming setup would cost 2,200. Ok, I love Macs, but my love has boundaries!
The only downside of being so busy all of a sudden is that, for some reason, I'm NERVOUS all the time. My stomach is tense, and it produces a funny feeling. I feel elated all the time and full of joy, but I can barely eat and sleep. Last night, I finally slept for 7 hours straight, but when I woke up the jittery feeling started again! I am used to going to the gym and running for 3-4 times per week, but when I couldn't even eat breakfast yesterday and went to the gym I didn't do good at all. I could barely lift 1/2 the weight I normally lift.
I feel hungry sometimes, then I try to eat and more often than not it just tastes not good at all. Even chocolate isn't attractive to me right now, well...that says something! I hope it'll be alright in a few days, because the Dam tot Damloop is also drawing nearer. No way I can run 16km with my current energy level.
My two orchestra's have started again, and it made me so incredibly happy to play again! I've been making music on my own during the summer, but it's much more fun in a big group. I was especially surprised with how well we could still play the difficult stuff (Cappricio Italian by Tchaikovsky and La Boda de Louis Alonso); it gave me a few goosebump-moments. Lovely!
It was very nice to see all my fellow orchestra members back. It's difficult for me to explain, but the orchestra members are like family to me. Music has helped to keep me sane in bad times, and the orchestras play a big part in my music experience.
Next saturday: jazz concert with a jazz band.
3rd of October: big classical gig in Winterswijk (of all places..zzz)
November: exchange concert with IJsselstein Orchestra and a big classical gig in Sluiskilde
December: Silvesterconcert
Job
This monday, I started with a new part-time job at a computer store. I sent an open solicitation, had a chat with the boss and was hired. I had no idea what was expected from me, and I when I arrived last monday they just put me in the store without much explanation or whatever. Turns out I have very cool colleagues (one in particular) so all is well. It appears I like selling things, who would have ever thought that???? (I wouldn't!!)
Yesterday I was helping two guys picking out a laptop, and it took well over an hour. It was fun! The inner nerd in me is just very happy to be around so many computers, and I want to learn more about it all. Working in a computer store will hopefully help me to gather more technical knowledge about computers. As a Apple fangirl I must say it's weird to sell other brands, but I'll probably be buying a new PC soon myself. I want to be able to game more (my three year old MacBook barely runs WoW on low settings), and my best buddy Christiaan found out that I can buy a good gaming PC for about 800 euro. An equivalent Mac gaming setup would cost 2,200. Ok, I love Macs, but my love has boundaries!
The only downside of being so busy all of a sudden is that, for some reason, I'm NERVOUS all the time. My stomach is tense, and it produces a funny feeling. I feel elated all the time and full of joy, but I can barely eat and sleep. Last night, I finally slept for 7 hours straight, but when I woke up the jittery feeling started again! I am used to going to the gym and running for 3-4 times per week, but when I couldn't even eat breakfast yesterday and went to the gym I didn't do good at all. I could barely lift 1/2 the weight I normally lift.
I feel hungry sometimes, then I try to eat and more often than not it just tastes not good at all. Even chocolate isn't attractive to me right now, well...that says something! I hope it'll be alright in a few days, because the Dam tot Damloop is also drawing nearer. No way I can run 16km with my current energy level.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Summer's End
The end of summer gives me a variety of feelings, good and bad.
Sadness because of the ending of my favorite season. The days are shortening, the warmth is leaving, soon we'll have to wear wintercoats again!
Excitement because my orchestra's are resuming rehearsals. I missed all the people, I missed the feeling of making music in a large group (one of the best things in life).
Apprehension because of several study and work related stress that will start again. During the summer I feel so utterly relaxed, I dread the stress that will certainly come again soon. I want to finally finish my bachelor education, but I also have to work a lot more because I plan to do another study after this bachelor. It will be something completely different, but I feel it fits my interests and values a lot more. I'll explain it in more detail later, because the plan is not fully formed yet, and I have to do some calculation as to how it'll all work out money wise. I only concluded that I do not wish to work in the field that my bachelor will take me; however, since I'm in my last year I am determined to finish it.
I have nerves right now, because I'm having a job interview later today. I want to work 2 days in the next 6 months, since my schedule allows it and I need the money (if I want to continue studying). Fingers crossed!
And I have to admit, I might also have the jitters because tonight I'm going to see my orchestra colleagues after a 2 month summer break. It's something I find hard to explain, but I'm really excited to play in the orchestra again, see everyone, find out if I can still keep up with the difficulty level...
Two upcoming concerts in the near feature and a lot of extra rehearsals, can't wait!
Sadness because of the ending of my favorite season. The days are shortening, the warmth is leaving, soon we'll have to wear wintercoats again!
Excitement because my orchestra's are resuming rehearsals. I missed all the people, I missed the feeling of making music in a large group (one of the best things in life).
Apprehension because of several study and work related stress that will start again. During the summer I feel so utterly relaxed, I dread the stress that will certainly come again soon. I want to finally finish my bachelor education, but I also have to work a lot more because I plan to do another study after this bachelor. It will be something completely different, but I feel it fits my interests and values a lot more. I'll explain it in more detail later, because the plan is not fully formed yet, and I have to do some calculation as to how it'll all work out money wise. I only concluded that I do not wish to work in the field that my bachelor will take me; however, since I'm in my last year I am determined to finish it.
I have nerves right now, because I'm having a job interview later today. I want to work 2 days in the next 6 months, since my schedule allows it and I need the money (if I want to continue studying). Fingers crossed!
And I have to admit, I might also have the jitters because tonight I'm going to see my orchestra colleagues after a 2 month summer break. It's something I find hard to explain, but I'm really excited to play in the orchestra again, see everyone, find out if I can still keep up with the difficulty level...
Two upcoming concerts in the near feature and a lot of extra rehearsals, can't wait!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Crete, the highlights (2)
My last post about Crete was rather short, so this post will be devoted to describe the things I've done there in more detail.
Samaria Gorge
This was without a doubt the coolest activity I did on Crete, but it was also the most heavy. I had to wake up at 04:20 am in order to get on the bus at 5 am. After a bus trip of five (!) hours I found myself on the other end of the island and in a totally different landscape. The eastern part of Crete (where I stayed) is rather dry, and that can clearly be seen in the landscape. The western part is much greener, and it has a lot of orange trees!
The Samaria Gorge is 18 km (about 11,5 miles) long and during the walk you are only descending. I consider myself a pretty experienced hiker and I can tell you that the walk wasn't an easy one. The path was mostly made up by rocks, and slippery rocks at that! I was therefore dumbfounded to see a lot of idiots doing the hike on a variety of shoes totally inappropriate for this adventure: All Stars, sandals and even a few total morons on slippers could be spotted on the trail. I wonder if these people had even read about the walk or just decided to do it because everyone else was doing it. I mean, even if you go for a 18 km stroll on a Cretan boulevard you wouldn't wear the most cheap-ass slippers???
I met a few people on the bus who were also alone and together we did the hike. Whistling, we passed most of the idiots on their crappy shoes and we arrived after a good 4,5 hours. We barely took breaks, it seemed a waste of time because we were walking in a very steady rhythm. The only downside of this, is that I didn't take lots of pictures.
The last part of the walk, from the gorge to the nearest village was the hardest. Not because the trail was hard, but because I started to feel like 75 year old. My legs hurt so much! In the village we took a dip in the sea, ate a fruit salad and then we embarked on the long journey back to the east of the island. I was back at the apartment at 11 pm. A long day, but well worth it!
Diving
The next best thing that I did was definitely diving. People usually laugh at my reason, but I'm gonna tell it anyway. When I was a little girl my favorite movie was The Little Mermaid. It has been my long time wish to be able to go underwater and stay underwater, like the mermaids! So my wish has finally come true! xD
After the introduction and the practice dive in the swimming pool we set out to dive in the sea and it was lovely! The underwater world is so serene; there are no sounds (apart from the Darth Vader-like sounds you produce with the breathing mask). The fish are minding there own business, floating here and there. The underwater plants flow with the tide of the sea, and I got to see some cool stuff: sponges, sea cucumbers and some stuff I forgot the English names from (Dutch: zee-egels).
The downside of diving is that the diving itself is not really pleasant. You have to tie waits around your waist in order to stay underwater. Those waits have to be really tight and it made me feel really nauseous (maybe it was a little too tight). Also, the breathing through the mask isn't really comfortable. After 30 minutes I was longing for a nice gulp of fresh air.
Other highlights
I only spent one day doing absolutely nothing. I saw Knossos, Spinalonga, Agios Nikolaos, and we rented a scooter.
The scooter was quite crappy and I managed to crash myself. Apart from a nice scratch on my leg I'm unharmed but I'm never getting on a scooter again. I hate them now; they are noisy, stinky and dangerous.
Samaria Gorge
This was without a doubt the coolest activity I did on Crete, but it was also the most heavy. I had to wake up at 04:20 am in order to get on the bus at 5 am. After a bus trip of five (!) hours I found myself on the other end of the island and in a totally different landscape. The eastern part of Crete (where I stayed) is rather dry, and that can clearly be seen in the landscape. The western part is much greener, and it has a lot of orange trees!
The Samaria Gorge is 18 km (about 11,5 miles) long and during the walk you are only descending. I consider myself a pretty experienced hiker and I can tell you that the walk wasn't an easy one. The path was mostly made up by rocks, and slippery rocks at that! I was therefore dumbfounded to see a lot of idiots doing the hike on a variety of shoes totally inappropriate for this adventure: All Stars, sandals and even a few total morons on slippers could be spotted on the trail. I wonder if these people had even read about the walk or just decided to do it because everyone else was doing it. I mean, even if you go for a 18 km stroll on a Cretan boulevard you wouldn't wear the most cheap-ass slippers???
I met a few people on the bus who were also alone and together we did the hike. Whistling, we passed most of the idiots on their crappy shoes and we arrived after a good 4,5 hours. We barely took breaks, it seemed a waste of time because we were walking in a very steady rhythm. The only downside of this, is that I didn't take lots of pictures.
The last part of the walk, from the gorge to the nearest village was the hardest. Not because the trail was hard, but because I started to feel like 75 year old. My legs hurt so much! In the village we took a dip in the sea, ate a fruit salad and then we embarked on the long journey back to the east of the island. I was back at the apartment at 11 pm. A long day, but well worth it!
Diving
The next best thing that I did was definitely diving. People usually laugh at my reason, but I'm gonna tell it anyway. When I was a little girl my favorite movie was The Little Mermaid. It has been my long time wish to be able to go underwater and stay underwater, like the mermaids! So my wish has finally come true! xD
After the introduction and the practice dive in the swimming pool we set out to dive in the sea and it was lovely! The underwater world is so serene; there are no sounds (apart from the Darth Vader-like sounds you produce with the breathing mask). The fish are minding there own business, floating here and there. The underwater plants flow with the tide of the sea, and I got to see some cool stuff: sponges, sea cucumbers and some stuff I forgot the English names from (Dutch: zee-egels).
The downside of diving is that the diving itself is not really pleasant. You have to tie waits around your waist in order to stay underwater. Those waits have to be really tight and it made me feel really nauseous (maybe it was a little too tight). Also, the breathing through the mask isn't really comfortable. After 30 minutes I was longing for a nice gulp of fresh air.
Other highlights
I only spent one day doing absolutely nothing. I saw Knossos, Spinalonga, Agios Nikolaos, and we rented a scooter.
The scooter was quite crappy and I managed to crash myself. Apart from a nice scratch on my leg I'm unharmed but I'm never getting on a scooter again. I hate them now; they are noisy, stinky and dangerous.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Crete, the highlights
If my prior post has got you worrying about my state of being, do not despair.
I feel decent most of the time, with spikes up and down.
How can you not feel good, when you are on Crete and you see this:
I fell in love with Greek seas the first time I visited the country, and this time was no exception.
The blue!!
Enjoy the first few photo's I've distilled from the 400 I took.
I feel decent most of the time, with spikes up and down.
How can you not feel good, when you are on Crete and you see this:
I fell in love with Greek seas the first time I visited the country, and this time was no exception.
The blue!!
Enjoy the first few photo's I've distilled from the 400 I took.
Time for a little honesty
I was looking at the last entry that I've written, which dates from 19 july.
It has been long ago since I've felt inspiration to write.
To be frank, it's been awhile since I've felt inspiration to do anything at all.
This sounds alarming, and I would like to use this post to be honest.
Because things aren't faring well for me at the moment.
When I was working on my bachelor thesis I felt stressed and at times I even had the feeling that I was going insane.
I kept going because I thought it all would be better when I had finished the damned thing. I had fun stuff to look forward to: London, Copenhagen, Crete, free time...
But instead, I have a feeling of anxiety inside me which keeps growing stronger. I have that feeling for months now and it doesn't subside.
What is that feeling, or rather, feelings?
It's pretty hard to describe, but a few core terms that come to mind quickly are:
loneliness, sadness, a feeling that I never do well enough, loathing for myself... no pretty stuff.
And also, when I'm writing this down I think: what's this negativity? Don't feel pity for yourself! And then I feel bad because I cannot think positive, which makes me feel even more negative.
It's a vicious circle right there.
And I don't know how to break it. But I know one thing: I'm tired of doing it alone. I'm tired of hiding it. I don't wanna play the little game so many people play, playing to be happy, busy, that everything is perfect. I feel fucked up right now!
I wonder what it is. When I was 17 I went through a period of depression. It feels different now. Back then, I gave up eating, only wanted to sleep and I hid my feelings for everyone, even for my boyfriend I had back then. But now, I long to see my friends, the people I care about. I still eat, I have never felt stronger physically because of my sports regime.
The problem is purely in my mind. I feel like my negative thoughts are overpowering me, ruling me. It's been a long time since I've felt anything positive about myself that sustained for a long time. I sometimes can think positive about myself, because someone else tells me (it's always someone else who has to tell me something positive), but that feeling never lasts. I feel a little spark, but that dies out soon.
The mindset that I currently have affects me with everything that I do. When you constantly think the worst of yourself, analyse every tiny little thing around you, how can you live freely? It feels like my thoughts are poisoning me.
It's so frustrating. Something that I am doing to myself (and that is getting worse) is making me feeling like I am rooted in the spot. I cannot move forward unless I do something about this. But I don't know what! I see people around me growing and I see myself, standing still or even moving backwards. I've felt much stronger than this. At the moment I resent doing anything: work, school, writing, making music. Every little thing that I do can go wrong and that's when my self-criticism kicks in. That little voice that says: 'see, you didn't do well enough, you suck'. I'm paralyzed by myself, I'm afraid of my own mind, my own thoughts.
Now I'm appealing to everyone who reads this. Do you recognise any of it? Been through a period like this? I'm calling for advice, because I've reached a dead end and I need to go back and get on the right track again. I cannot and do not want to do it alone. Also, I'm sick of feeling embarrassed about myself for feeling this way. Sure, it isn't something to be proud of, but I will not hide it.
Yes, I feel bad, down, depressed, whatever name tag you want to put on it.
I need you help; friend, stranger, foe, anyone....
The Mystery of Pain
Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain
It has been long ago since I've felt inspiration to write.
To be frank, it's been awhile since I've felt inspiration to do anything at all.
This sounds alarming, and I would like to use this post to be honest.
Because things aren't faring well for me at the moment.
When I was working on my bachelor thesis I felt stressed and at times I even had the feeling that I was going insane.
I kept going because I thought it all would be better when I had finished the damned thing. I had fun stuff to look forward to: London, Copenhagen, Crete, free time...
But instead, I have a feeling of anxiety inside me which keeps growing stronger. I have that feeling for months now and it doesn't subside.
What is that feeling, or rather, feelings?
It's pretty hard to describe, but a few core terms that come to mind quickly are:
loneliness, sadness, a feeling that I never do well enough, loathing for myself... no pretty stuff.
And also, when I'm writing this down I think: what's this negativity? Don't feel pity for yourself! And then I feel bad because I cannot think positive, which makes me feel even more negative.
It's a vicious circle right there.
And I don't know how to break it. But I know one thing: I'm tired of doing it alone. I'm tired of hiding it. I don't wanna play the little game so many people play, playing to be happy, busy, that everything is perfect. I feel fucked up right now!
I wonder what it is. When I was 17 I went through a period of depression. It feels different now. Back then, I gave up eating, only wanted to sleep and I hid my feelings for everyone, even for my boyfriend I had back then. But now, I long to see my friends, the people I care about. I still eat, I have never felt stronger physically because of my sports regime.
The problem is purely in my mind. I feel like my negative thoughts are overpowering me, ruling me. It's been a long time since I've felt anything positive about myself that sustained for a long time. I sometimes can think positive about myself, because someone else tells me (it's always someone else who has to tell me something positive), but that feeling never lasts. I feel a little spark, but that dies out soon.
The mindset that I currently have affects me with everything that I do. When you constantly think the worst of yourself, analyse every tiny little thing around you, how can you live freely? It feels like my thoughts are poisoning me.
It's so frustrating. Something that I am doing to myself (and that is getting worse) is making me feeling like I am rooted in the spot. I cannot move forward unless I do something about this. But I don't know what! I see people around me growing and I see myself, standing still or even moving backwards. I've felt much stronger than this. At the moment I resent doing anything: work, school, writing, making music. Every little thing that I do can go wrong and that's when my self-criticism kicks in. That little voice that says: 'see, you didn't do well enough, you suck'. I'm paralyzed by myself, I'm afraid of my own mind, my own thoughts.
Now I'm appealing to everyone who reads this. Do you recognise any of it? Been through a period like this? I'm calling for advice, because I've reached a dead end and I need to go back and get on the right track again. I cannot and do not want to do it alone. Also, I'm sick of feeling embarrassed about myself for feeling this way. Sure, it isn't something to be proud of, but I will not hide it.
Yes, I feel bad, down, depressed, whatever name tag you want to put on it.
I need you help; friend, stranger, foe, anyone....
The Mystery of Pain
Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain
Emily Dickinson, 1890
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